Perhaps a reward, perhaps a punishment
by SageK
Summary: What did we do to deserve this?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: So, this was posted on Texts From Xavier's Academy:

_Fuck timelines._

_I can see Tony breaking into Charles's booze stash and generally hitting on everything that moves, while Steve and Erik reminisce about WW2 and how much the Nazi's sucked._

_Charles's and Erik, of course, would totally try and get Tony and Steve together while Raven tries her best to instigate a threesome with Natasha and Clint. Bruce and Hank would be their brainy BAMF selves, Thor would bro it up with Sean and Alex and get high with them._

_And both Nick Fury and Moira would be in the corner wondering where in their lives did they go wrong._

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><p>"How did this become my life?"<p>

Casting a similarly weary gaze at Moira MacTaggert, Nick Fury couldn't help but let out a disgruntled snort. "Karma's a vindictive fuckin' bitch."

Moira stared at him for a moment, big eyed, before nodding. "That makes as much sense as anything else around here."

As she finished speaking, an explosion rocked the house. Neither of them moved as, between Hank, Bruce, Tony and Alex, daily explosions had become commonplace.

No one was entirely sure exactly what had happened or how, but one moment The Avengers ( Fury, Captain America, Ironman, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Thor and Hulk as well as Agent Phil Coulsen) had been aboard their cargo helicopter, on their way back from a mission and the next they'd found themselves crash landing atop a submarine, which was sticking out of an iceberg.

Cap had been (understandably) more than a little disgruntled by all the ice and. when four angry people emerge from the sub, all hell broke lose.

The blonde woman tried to attack them telepathically, but Thor proved immune and, realizing what was happening, bounded over to her and lifted her into the air, demanding she stop.

In her shock, she did.

Then the red guy teleported behind Steve and tried to skewer him with his tail… which Steve caught before punching red guy. Hard. Red guy was no longer an issue.

The Latino threw tornadoes at them as the final guy, wearing a dumb ass helmet and a smirk, sauntered towards them. Ironman launched himself bodily at tornado boy, slamming into him and cutting off the tornadoes… but not before a chunk of ice hit Bruce in the head, which made him mad.

Smirky's helmet didn't prevent an enormous, green fist from crushing his skull.

Clearly deciding she did not want her own brains splattered across the ice, blondie (Emma Frost) became quite forthcoming. Once Fury got over the complete FUBAR-ness of the fact that they were stuck in 19-freakin-62, he gathered his wits and took stock of the situation, making a mental list of who he might be able to call on for help in this era.

It was a short list.

In the end, he decided to give Charles Xavier a call, as he was fairly sure the man had begun gathering his own team in '62.

It was extremely odd to see an old school version of the X-Men's Blackbird setting down, seeing a 20-something Xavier bound out to meet them followed by a glowering Magneto (who very nearly ripped the hull off of the sub when he found out about the guy Bruce had smashed) and a passel of teenagers.

And Moira MacTaggert, CIA.

Xavier had been quite willing to take them in and they'd taken him up on his hospitality.

A few weeks later, Fury was beginning to regret that decision..

The Xavier Fury knew was a reserved, refined man. He could, on occasion, be a bit of a dick, but so could most people Fury knew. This Xavier was a wide eyed, naive, excitable little lush with a tendency to flirt outrageously (using the worst chat up lines Fury had ever heard).

Oh, and he was so clearly in love with Magneto…Erik, who was equally besotted with him. That was strange as hell and took a lot of getting used to. Of course, when he wasn't giving Xavier affectionate looks, he was glaring at Fury, Thor, Stark,, Natasha, Bruce (all of them, save Cap) like he was plotting their deaths and where to hide the bodies.

Sean Cassidy assured them that this was simply Erik's default expression and he probably didn't want them dead. Except perhaps Bruce, 'cuz he'd been very focused on the idea of killing Shaw (he of the douche helmet). Cassidy was a nice kid, but Fury had a hard time reconciling the giggly teen with the competent man he would later become.

Seriously, the man would be the headmaster of a school and here he was, just a kid who got high all he time. Thor had taken up with Cassidy and Summers (clearly, the moody thing was genetic) and the three of them spent a lot of time raiding the kitchen, looking for eye drops and engaging in what seemed to be an ongoing war with the local squirrel population.

Fury had actually seen Coulsen bang his head against a wall the day that Thor was witnessed chasing a particularly large squirrel across the lawn, shouting, "Stop and face your death with honor."

The squirrel had escaped into the trees and Thor had pouted for over an hour.

Of course, the first thing Stark had done was locate Xavier's wine cellar. On a good day, Fury thought the man's blood was probably 15% alcohol and, when he actually drank, it just got worse. Their fist night at Xavier's castle, Stark had really tied one on, unhappy over how quickly Cap and Erik were bonding.

If discussing their mutual hatred of Nazi's (particularly megalomaniacal sociopaths named Schmidt) could be called bonding.

That was before it became clear that Xavier and Lehnsherr were a couple. Once Stark figured that out he got an odd gleam in his eyes that Fury was sure he did not want to ask about.

Hank and Bruce had discovered their common, genius ground and almost immediately began blowing shit up in the labs. After the first explosion had startled Coulsen, Lehnsherr had grinned, showing far too many teeth and assured them that plenty of fire extinguishers were kept on hand.

The explosions were less unsettling than that smile.

Clint and Natasha had reacted to the time travel thing with aplomb. "Cool," Clint had said, then grinned at Natasha, "We get to see the 60's first hand. Age of free love and all."

She'd just smirked. After about a week, Fury realized Xavier's sister had joined in on their…thing. He didn't know who approached who, but Natasha and Raven were both looking particularly smug and Clint was walking around with a permanently shocked/stupidly happy look on his face.

Needless to say, the X-Men of the early 60's were nothing like the ones of the 21st century. Cyclops probably would have had a stroke if anyone used the words Professor X and keg stand in the same sentence, let alone seen it happen.

"It's like living with a bunch of drunk, stoned, super powered, genius toddlers with ADHA," Coulsen moaned, staring out the window as Thor, Banshee and Havok crouched behind a bush, stalking a duck on the other side (clearly, ducks had joined squirrels on their list of enemies). Acrid black smoke was billowing out of one of the labs where Hank and Bruce were working. Tony and Steve were sitting on the lawn (Fury had wondered about the picnic basket he'd seen Xavier pass Starke earlier), nibbling on bread, cheese and fruit, while Xavier and Lehnsherr were off somewhere, "playing chess".

Everyone knew what that was code for.

Clint, Natasha and Raven…well, they didn't even bother with a code to disguise their nooner, but at least they'd gone somewhere out of sight.

Heaving a sigh, Fury went over to the Study's liquor cabinet (Bless Xavier's booze soaked little soul, there was one in nearly every room) and pulled out a bottle of the good scotch. When Moira raised a brow at him, he said, "We deserve it."

The three of them drank in silence, pondering their rolls as babysitter/zookeepers.

Coulsen poured them each a double as yet another explosion echoed through the halls.

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><p>Comments, pretty please?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes, Phil Coulsen wondered if his life was just Gods way of making a joke.

As if finding himself stranded in 1962 with the Avengers and an even more pissed off than usual Nick Fury wasn't bad enough, through necessity of circumstance, they wound up residing at Charles Xavier's mansion. Initially, Phil had been relieved, as Xavier always exuded an air of calm, refined dignity, a total respite from the crazy people he worked with every day.

Unfortunately, Phil's memories of Xavier were all from the 21st century and a 60-something Xavier…who, as a 20-something was severely lacking in gravitas and sanity.

The mansion in Westchester seem to be a pressure cooker for lunacy. Even Rogers, the sanest of the Avengers, was falling prey to the influence of the place.

Phil had taken to lurking in the library, commiserating with Moira and watching Fury's blood pressure rise. He was betting that the vein on Fury's temple would explode any day now.

They also drank a lot of scotch. Phil wondered if Xavier had a distillery on the grounds. It was the only way to explain how, no matter how much they drank, the booze never ran out.

Which was a very good thing, considering how most days went at the mansion.

This morning, at 4:30 AM, the house had been rocked by a louder than usual boom and an alarm immediately began to wail. Phil lurched into the hall just in time to see Magneto and Xavier bolt out of the latter's room. No surprise there, as the pair were about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the skull. That Rogers emerged from his room alone was a surprise and immediately told Phil that Tony probably had something to do with the explosion.

The rest of the Avengers and Charles's motley crew made their way down to the lab…save for Sean, Alex and Thor.

The terrible threesome were out wreaking havoc (no pun intended).

The nonsexual terrible threesome, that is, as Clint, Natasha and Raven were an actual threesome. Phil was fairly certain the boys weren't actually….

No, he did not need that thought wandering around his pre-caffeinated brain.

Down in the lab, Hank and Bruce had the grace to look abashed while Tony was predictably cheerful. Their attempts to soup up the Blackbird's engines had led to the destruction of a rather large chunk of the wall.

No one was hurt, though Bruce was looking slightly singed.

They hadn't even begun to hear the reasons why the three geniuses felt the need to play with experimental rocket fuel during the dead of night, when the phone rang. Standing closest to the wall mounted receiver (Phil really missed his cell phone), Steve picked it up and chirped, "Xavier residence."

He was a morning person.

As Cap listened to whoever was on the other end of the line, his eyes grew steadily wider and his expression more and more appalled. He tried to speak several times, but appeared to get cut off. Finally, he yanked the receiver away from his ear and handed it off to Raven, shaking his head.

She sighed, listened for best, then said, "Okay, pay attention to me. Here's what you're going to do. Don't traumatize the Amish people anymore. Find some pants for Sean and get him off the roof. I don't want to know about the peanut butter, so just let him stay sticky until you get home. Tell Thor that the horse is not talking to him, but yes, he is drunk. Get some butter and rub it on his head and neck so he can squeeze it out of the fence posts. Once you're all on solid ground, drink some water, i _just water_/i, and eat some of the pie that's in your backpack. Then call a cab and get a ride home. We'll pay the fare once you get here. Is that clear?"

Raven paused and everyone gaped, the massive hole in the wall forgotten entirely. Suddenly, she tensed. "What! No, Alex! No flamethrowers! What you have the flamethrower?...I thought we instituted the '**no more flamethrowers**' rule after Sean lit himself on fire the third time!... Yes, I'm glad no one's on fire… Oh, is he all right?... At least that explains the no pants thing… What's that shouting?... Well, go stop him, then call the cab. I'll see you in a few hours."

As she hung up, Raven found herself being scrutinized by everyone, except for Steve, who still looked horrified. Heaving a sigh, she said, "They're drunk and high in Amish country. Sean's on the roof of a barn, pantless and covered in peanut butter, but no longer on fire. Thor got his head stuck in a fence and was having a conversation with the horse, but is now berating a chipmunk. Alex's pissed off, because earlier he "took a nap" and when he woke up he found that someone had super glued a teddy bear to 'Little Alex'. He also has a flamethrower and a bag of pies and no idea where either came from. I told him to call And get home."

For a moment, silence filled the room and all Phil could do was let out a high, strangled sound and say, "Insane, alcoholic super-powered toddlers!"

"What the fuck is in the water here?" Fury demanded in frustration and Phil winced at the volume.

It wasn't even 5:15 AM.

Several hours later, a terrified cabbie dropped the terrible threesome at the mansion and Raven gave the poor man a very large tip. All three reeked of vodka, peanut butter and manure while there clothes were collage of unidentifiable stains. A clump of Alex's pale blonde hair looks to have been dyed purple, but, upon closer inspection, that proved to be blueberry pie filling.

As they staggered into the main hall, Phil stood beside Moira, arms crossed, in line with Xavier, Magneto and Fury.

"What did you think you are doing?" Charles demanded, pale face turning an impressive shade of red.

Alex gave him the sullen teenager look, while Thor seemed surprised by the rebuke and Sean grinned. "Having an awesome night! On the scale of one to everybody dies, it was at least a nine!"

Magneto peered at the redhead and shook his head. "How many times did your mother drop you on your head as a baby?"

This seemed to confuse Sean and Alex used that opportunity to attempt to creep from the room, unsuccessfully, as Moira caught his arm and marched him back to his spot beside Thor.

"What I don't understand is how three more or less grown men with superhuman abilities can ask like such idiots! Do you have any idea the level of damage you could have done to the timeline by roaming around the countryside doing God knows what?"

Seeing that Fury was about to explode, Charles raised a hand, waving the young men away. "Go sleep it off," he said and, once they'd fled, he turned to Magneto. "Is everything ready?"

"Yes," the taller man said with an unsettling grin. "I say we let him nod off, then strike when they're vulnerable."

Fury gave them the hairy eyeball. "What are you to on about?"

Coulsen had never seen Xavier smirk before, but he did as he explained, "It's not like we're going to allow them to go without censure for such behavior. We've placed several tambourines inside large, empty steel drums. In short order, Erik will levitate said drums outside the windows of each of our wanderer's rooms and set the drums spinning."

Oh, that was just evil.

A grin spread over Fury's face. "I like the way you to think," he announced in Phil felt a shiver of dread rush down his spine. "Do you have any air horns we can add to the mix?"

10 AM, and the day wasn't looking up.

11:45 AM, Loki popped into existence in the dining room and Phil almost choked on his ham sandwich. For the first time, he was glad to see the pain in the ass Asgardian, as he could take them home.

But then he remembered that this was Loki, who smirked, waved and went poof…leaving behind Lady Sif and The Warriors Three, all of whom looked incredibly confused.

This day just kept getting better and better….

TBC….

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><p>Comments, pretty please?<p> 


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